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Cause and consequence.

Chapter Two - Cause II

I was alone again, like Courtney always left me. Alone.

— Where’s your girl, Kurt? — asked the drug dealer. I know, I know, I should stop. But I wanted my heroin, I wanted to forget Courtney and everything that she ever did to me. Or never did.

— She’s… I don’t know. Probably fucking someone. Could you, please, give me the damn heroin?

— That girl maybe a bitch… — he gave me the heroin. — …but she loves you. She wouldn’t bitch around while she’s married to you. But you’re not here to listen to this crap. Where’s my money?

— Here. — I gave him 10 dollars and walked away. He gave me 5 needles, like I asked him. Five needles would help me forget a lot of things.

I opened the door, waiting that Courtney would be there with Frances, waiting for me. Like always, that didn’t happened, it was just me, alone in a big house, that used to be full. I felt tears run down my face, I just couldn’t take that rejection anymore, that loneliness…

— Where’s… Where’s the fucking pen? — I started to search for a pen and a pice of paper that I could write on. When I found them, I sat on the floor and stated to write. My hands were shaking, my writing was awful, but I think Courtney would understand.

I was looking up everytime, to hold back the tears and make them don’t fall on the paper. Courtney would notice that I was crying while writing the letter, she would see me as a weak person. And this is the last thing I want.

I finished the letter and left it beside me. I caught the needles and did all the process that I should do. When I finished the last needle, I was staggering and I almost couldn’t keep myself up. But I needed to do this right. I didn’t want to suffer, or make anyone suffer. My death would make everything easier for everybody.

I caught a gun that was hidden under the couch. I stood in a place right beside the letter that I left on the floor. I wouldn’t suffer, I wasn’t feeling anything. Nobody would suffer, nobody really loved me. I prepared the gun and put the barrel very closed of my forehead. It maybe a ungrateful way to die, this suicide thing. But It would be better. I pulled the trigger.